It seems that when everyone finally finds comfort in a situation, it doesn't matter what it is, something else has to happen. It's enevitable!!
I've lost many people in my life. In most cases I can pull up my boot straps and move on. When my mom was taken, I didn't cry, I had no emotion. I learned how to stuff it. It took me 14 years to process that loss. I've lost my Granny,stuffed, 2 uncles, stuffed, Big Joe, stuffed, Randy, stuffed, my best friend's (of 19 years) mom who was the closest thing I had for a mom for a very long time, had to be strong for the family, stuffed, Chad, stuffed, I know there's more. I can't stuff anymore......
What am I trying to say. My best friend just recently posted a blog about risks. Taking them, or not taking them.
Do I allow myself to continue to grow attached to people knowing that there is a certainty that they too will go away? Well, I suppose life would be pretty boring if I lived that way. Maybe not boring but pointless. I mean what's life without love and loss.
So, I get this news about my best friends older sister (who I've also known for 19 years) and she has this cancer. She's been given a life expectancy. A very short one at that. My emotions have gotten the best of me. At some points I can't function at work, driving or interacting with friends. I wondered why.
With all of the loss that I have had previously you think I would be okay just stuff it. But I'm not. It's not something that one can get accustomed to. I didn't realize how much of an impact that this person has had on my life. Why does it take something tradgic to make me look at something, someone, or myself for that matter? My heart hurts more than words can say. All of that loss that I stuffed has just exposed itself. All of that hurt finally comes out.
In life so far, there is nothing that I have done that I have regretted. The chances that I have taken at some points were like playing russian roulette. With everything that I have done, every loss that I have faced, every obstacle that has been put in my path, even my addiction, I know this, everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason. There is nothing that life has handed me that I haven't learned something from. These things have allowed me to grow.
I've put my emotions on the front lines to allow them to be looked at, stomped on, laughed at, discouraged, and in some cases, embraced. Go for it.....
So, this is it in a nutshell, this is what I have learned in 27 years. Life is not something to be taken for granted. It can be pulled at any moment, I have no control over this. Risks are meant to be taken, I can't sit back and just let life happen without participating, (I tried that it's just becomes more work for me later). I take risks in loving people and the biggest risk, allowing them to love me. Sure, it may hurt, however think of the rewards in allowing this to happen.
If you need someone to know something, tell them, don't wait for the RIGHT TIME. It doesn't matter if people think you're crazy. If you think someone is doing a good job, tell them. If you think that someone is good looking, tell them. If you think someone is a good parent, tell them. I have never understood why people are so quick to jump on someone when they are fucking something up but never have the time to call the Burger King manager and tell them how wonderful their service was today. Just something to think about. IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, TELL THEM. Sometimes people need to hear these things. You would be amazed what happens when you think about someone and you just call them, listen to the re-action. I guarentee they probably needed someone to call and tell them that someone was thinking about them or maybe they were thinking about you and were just saying, "oh, I'll call tomorrow!"
Those things that most people call coincidences, um, they are not coincidences, those are things that let you know that you're on the right track. Same thing with that De Ja Vu thing. Always just do the next right thing and the next right thing will happen. Oh yeah, and when thinking about the future becomes too overwhelming, you can start with today and breathe.
I'm sure this was nothing but a bunch of babble....that's okay....it needed to be put out there for someone else to sort out. So if you can figure this out for me let me know!!
So, I need everyone to know before they leave, I LOVE YOU!!!
Much love and respect,
Scooter
I've lost many people in my life. In most cases I can pull up my boot straps and move on. When my mom was taken, I didn't cry, I had no emotion. I learned how to stuff it. It took me 14 years to process that loss. I've lost my Granny,stuffed, 2 uncles, stuffed, Big Joe, stuffed, Randy, stuffed, my best friend's (of 19 years) mom who was the closest thing I had for a mom for a very long time, had to be strong for the family, stuffed, Chad, stuffed, I know there's more. I can't stuff anymore......
What am I trying to say. My best friend just recently posted a blog about risks. Taking them, or not taking them.
Do I allow myself to continue to grow attached to people knowing that there is a certainty that they too will go away? Well, I suppose life would be pretty boring if I lived that way. Maybe not boring but pointless. I mean what's life without love and loss.
So, I get this news about my best friends older sister (who I've also known for 19 years) and she has this cancer. She's been given a life expectancy. A very short one at that. My emotions have gotten the best of me. At some points I can't function at work, driving or interacting with friends. I wondered why.
With all of the loss that I have had previously you think I would be okay just stuff it. But I'm not. It's not something that one can get accustomed to. I didn't realize how much of an impact that this person has had on my life. Why does it take something tradgic to make me look at something, someone, or myself for that matter? My heart hurts more than words can say. All of that loss that I stuffed has just exposed itself. All of that hurt finally comes out.
In life so far, there is nothing that I have done that I have regretted. The chances that I have taken at some points were like playing russian roulette. With everything that I have done, every loss that I have faced, every obstacle that has been put in my path, even my addiction, I know this, everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason. There is nothing that life has handed me that I haven't learned something from. These things have allowed me to grow.
I've put my emotions on the front lines to allow them to be looked at, stomped on, laughed at, discouraged, and in some cases, embraced. Go for it.....
So, this is it in a nutshell, this is what I have learned in 27 years. Life is not something to be taken for granted. It can be pulled at any moment, I have no control over this. Risks are meant to be taken, I can't sit back and just let life happen without participating, (I tried that it's just becomes more work for me later). I take risks in loving people and the biggest risk, allowing them to love me. Sure, it may hurt, however think of the rewards in allowing this to happen.
If you need someone to know something, tell them, don't wait for the RIGHT TIME. It doesn't matter if people think you're crazy. If you think someone is doing a good job, tell them. If you think that someone is good looking, tell them. If you think someone is a good parent, tell them. I have never understood why people are so quick to jump on someone when they are fucking something up but never have the time to call the Burger King manager and tell them how wonderful their service was today. Just something to think about. IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, TELL THEM. Sometimes people need to hear these things. You would be amazed what happens when you think about someone and you just call them, listen to the re-action. I guarentee they probably needed someone to call and tell them that someone was thinking about them or maybe they were thinking about you and were just saying, "oh, I'll call tomorrow!"
Those things that most people call coincidences, um, they are not coincidences, those are things that let you know that you're on the right track. Same thing with that De Ja Vu thing. Always just do the next right thing and the next right thing will happen. Oh yeah, and when thinking about the future becomes too overwhelming, you can start with today and breathe.
I'm sure this was nothing but a bunch of babble....that's okay....it needed to be put out there for someone else to sort out. So if you can figure this out for me let me know!!
So, I need everyone to know before they leave, I LOVE YOU!!!
Much love and respect,
Scooter
posted by:
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California
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Re: my heart hurts
Wed, October 3, 2007 - 8:45 PMIt's tough losing people. I just went to a funeral for 24 day old baby. It was really tough on me cause I have stuffed my son's death 7yrs ago and so yesterday when they keep playing, Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven" I just about lost it. It made me realize that I kept myself busy so that I didn't have to feel the pain. I started college in the fall after his death and have been in constant motion ever since. I've been to other funerals since my son's death, but those were all adults, people who had lived a full life. I think that was the difference. I know that Creator has plans for all of us, did this happen so I could get in touch with my feelings regarding my son?
I know that my son's death has changed me forever. Even my daughter has said so. I enjoy life now like I never have before. I have a lot more gratitude, for even the smallest thing. I love a little more and I never forget to tell love ones how much they mean to me. I let the bad stuff go a lot easier, and I smile a lot more.
Creator made us social creatures. To say "I'm not going to care for you, because in the end I will get hurt" would be wrong. We're here to share our experience, strength, and hope, whatever it might be. It is the risk we have to take cause we're human.
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Re: my heart hurts
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 4:30 PMScooter,
I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. Be grateful for the feelings in your heart because without them you would be stone. I have learned to embrace my pain however difficult it may be. Without it I would stop growing. In all pain, there is much, much growth. The more you embrace, the more it will give you.
Alas, you know that this path is your's alone ~ credits to Robert Hunter for those words. You will sort it out eventually. And when you see your way to the other side, the sun will be brighter!
Peace............................
Helen -
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Re: my heart hurts
Thu, November 22, 2007 - 11:12 PMScooter, more honest words have never been spoken. I lost five people in six months, one my Dad and one a family suicide, one my best friend, one the only relative that liked me. I dealt with as much pain as I could and I stuffed the rest, I had to to make it through the day which I did badly, for years. Grief is overwhelming. I had made sure that everyone knew how much I loved them and appreciated them in my life. My Dad looked at us (my Mom and Sis were there) and said, I never knew. Thanksgiving Day last year was three days before I had surgery to remove aggressive cancer. One sister did come out and help me and one friend really came through but no one ever made any effort to make any expression of affection. Some of the people closest to me blew me off or picked fights with me and I knew and know that it was because they were scared and couldn't deal but as the person with the cancer it was very sad to not have their support and to have their suffering on my shoulders. Telling yourself that people behave a certain way because they love you is really different from having them tell you. What makes my head hurt is that my other sister who is pissed at me over something stupid was told and never even sent a card or followed up with my Mom to see if I died. My head hurts over this every day, my heart too and my stomach. Rumor has it that my Mom cried as they wheeled me knocked out into surgery so I missed the single time in my entire life that my mother has expressed any affection for me. I never thought of this until I read your post and now I'm thinking no wonder I'm feeling so unloved and am even considering pulling the pity party sofa out. So, Scooter, as someone on the other end, sort of, please follow your heart, you can't imagine how much the person will appreciate it and you.
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