...and i know it's just my stupid head talking to me, telling me i want to get high. im coming up on 5 months clean. Every part of my sane mind knows it's my disease of addiction telling me that i miss being high. and i usually talk about stuff bothering me all the time at meetings, but for some reason i can't get this one out, not outloud anyway. so i figured i better at least start by writting it. telling on myself somewhere. not keeping it locked up in my head where it could manifest into something. the sick part <well all of its sick....> is its not even my drug of choice. but i guess thats never how it starts..... but thats how it will end. because it always does, and its always worse. so much worse. it started by me wanting to smoke bud.... because i really do miss that high.... and that would be ok for a while. <im trying to play the tape here> but then i know that i will find that as always the bud won't leave me high enough, because nothing ever does. right?? so i'll convince myself to "just add a few opiates" just a few pills.... but there aren't just a few. there are handfulls.... and then there are needles....then there are overdoses. then theres what?? looseing everything........again? myself? my kids? my self respect? i might not be so lucky this time.... i think im talking myself out of that feeling. im thinking i shouldn't post this....but im still going to, because i need to still be accountable out loud somewhere with my thoughts.
.......i really hate this disease.... but i am glad for the knowlege to fight it.